He Loves Me
April 29, 2009 No Comments
Many of us have thrown around the L word, (no not lesbian), like it were that favourite shirt that we already threw in the hamper, but we pull it out to wear again cause it’s so fly. And once we wear it we discover that the armpits are smelly or that there is a small stain on the right breast from lunch and conclude that there was a reason we threw it in the hamper in the first place. Today we discuss the word LOVE, when to say it, when not to say it and why.
I’ve preached in a previous post “I should’ve known” that if your partner utters those words early in a relationship, to be suspicious, VERY suspicious and run. We all want to be loved of course, but wanting and needing are two different things. Through experience whenever I surrendered that word from my lips it was because I loved the idea of love, and being in love, (WANT) but I wasn’t actually in love nor was I being loved the way I deserved to be loved (NEED).
To break it down:
WANT- Mushy feelings,fantasies of perfect (often one-sided)
NEED- Respect, reciprocation combined with mushy feelings
I believe the reason a man would say that he loves a woman very early in the relationship is for manipulative purposes. We know us women turn butter when we hear that word associated with our names. when the word LOVE is finally said, it typically means the relationship is legit and solidified. However,it is easy to manipulate someone who does not know who they are or how wonderful they are. I know after I reciprocated THE word, the relationship I was in slowly spiralled into abyss, because nothing else was being reciprocated. At first, part of me was reluctant to say it back, god forbid that I say I love you first. When I held off, it was met with the following defences, “but I know you do”, or “you don’t love me back? I thought what we had was real”.
The last part should echo “real…real…real…real.”
But I knew intuitively that I was not feeling the same way back. I envisioned the wedding (smh) and all the other Alice-in-wonderland-type jaded bull that plays in our minds when we hear the things we want to hear and get our way, in the beginning of the relationship. But something was missing, something was always missing.
Like the dirty shirt we believe that we can get that extra wear out of, you won’t feel good in it until you clean it. Clean what? Clean out the preconceived notions that LOVE and falling in love is a fairytale, making sure to do work on the deep inner stains to make sure that the star player is really the star player, and does not get misplaced as the bench warmer, or water boy in any relationship and lastly to stop comparing yourself to others.
I’m so guilty of this. If A & B got through C then it can happen for me!? Each person’s story is so unique that you set yourself up for failure by comparing relationships of others to yours.
Through my almost miniscule lively hood in the dating arena, I haven’t had much of a taste of real love, however I can only blame and point the finger at one person, myself.
I now recognize that I love the word love, like my favourite shirt and that in order to get good wear out of the shirt, feel comfortable in it and shine, I gotta clean it, press it, and maintain it. I know of one artist who has got her shirt clean and crisp, check out Jill Scott’s He loves me, courtesy of YouTube.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY-CACRCdt8]
What do you think of my “crisp and clean shirt” theory in relation to the word Love? Is there ever a right time to reciprocate the word in a relationship?
Do you need to hear THE word in order to confirm you love someone?
I will only speak the L word again if he ignites me, invites me and co-writes me,
Tee’d Off
Relationships