If Your Girl Only knew
May 21, 2009 12 Comments
You’re out, you look fly, you got your sw@# on and you happen to connect with an individual like yourself. The conversation is off the hook, and he starts to lean in a little bit closer than before. Its obvious to the room that you’re both feeling each other, then the town crier rudely interrupts with a facetious grin on her face and asks,” So how is Stacey?” If you’re the female in the situation you can’t help but feel embarrassed, but you already know who Stacey is. And if you’re the dude in the situation, you instantly want to Donkey Kong the town crier and throw her out the window.
Stacey isn’t out with her man, but her man striked up a conversation with another female. Another female who knows of their relationship, but is not going to let a little ball and chain stop her from enjoying some male attention for the night.
A few weeks back I wrote a post on pursuing the committed where I discussed pursuing married individuals. That area was definitely black and white you’re wrong if you get involved with a married individual, so really there was no discussion to be had. But what if you’re in a relationship that although is a committed one, is not a legally committed one, do the lines that define infidelity began to blur?
In conversations I’ve had about cheating, the limitations and definitions are always disputed. Is kissing cheating? Is adding a phone number to your address book cheating? Is seeing that person without their SO for dinner cheating?
With so many possible scenarios, by questioning our actions, we try to find excuses for them. I’ll sum it up plain and simple. I am going to make some people mad but-If you would NOT be able to pull the shit off that you’re doing (the innocent peck, striking up a conversation with another female/male at a party etc) in front of your significant other, it is classified as cheating. Now, is it wrong to occasionally step out on your significant other? I’m going to have to go ahead and say NO. I think anything besides full out sexual contact (anything besides the kiss), is a great way to test the strength of a relationship. Years ago (ok not really years) when I was in long term relationship, I remember meeting a dude, through an interview for a project in college. We connected during the interview and I went so far as to go over to his house. He made his advances and I knew damn well that he would, so when it happened I got out the door as quick as I could. Why did I put myself in a situation like that? ..Young and dumb? Maybe, but I really wanted a sense of adventure. I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with him, I was just bored as shit with my current relationship.
What if you’re on the other side of the looking glass? You’re the individual who has knowledge of the “Stacey” in the other person’s life. You don’t want to take it as far as home wrecker but you definitely don’t want to leave this one alone. Do you go ahead and keep in close contact? Does it make it okay to state that you only want to be friends? Is it possible to remain friends in a situation like that?
My hands are now tied. I wonder what GI readers think about this one. State your piece.
Now I leave you with Aaliyah (RIP), “If your girl only knew”, I couldn’t have said it any better.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehFDZU4hXbw]
Let you like what you see, it ain’t easy to get with me,
Tee’d Off
Relationships
It’s about intent first off. You know what your end goal is and plays BIG in what lines your crossing. You and your partner should have some type of guidelines or have at least addressed what kinds of interactions you each are used to, need to change or completely abandon.
I have TONS of female friends and even though its not an issue to me, a significant other will see each and other female she has not personally “inspected” as some kind of threat. You’ve got to have your guidelines established. To me if it’s a good friend that you had prior to your relationship then that’s open to an meal or generic socializing.Nothing too intimate in nature for a 1 on 1 setting. A kiss is cheating to me. I have close friends that I show much love to but there are lines.
I think everyone knows when their in violation and they just think of reasons to excuse themselves.
I think that although you and your SO may have had that conversation outlining said boundaries, that doesn’t mean that they wont be crossed.
The chances of this heighten if you are in a relationship where you are not too serious or committed to each other.
“I think everyone knows when their in violation and they just think of reasons to excuse themselves.”
Truth! For example in my case with the dude i met through my college project. I knew damn well what i was doing and that I was in violation, but went along with it..smh..guess i needed a wake up call
In regards to the close female friends as being a threat to the SO…that’s a whole other post!!! lol
I agree, “cheating” begins with intent. I have male friends with girlfriends and I go to their homes, go to dinner with them and even make little jokes about “what could be”, but in the end it’s just jokes, it’s just dinner, nothing else.
About the difference between cheating with a married man and cheating with someone in a regular relationship, well I’ve had the same battle in my head for a while now. You know, you hear these stories of couples meeting when the other was in a “dead-end” relationship and they knew it was “just right” between them. The bad relationship ends and the two “cheaters” go on to live happily ever after together. So you meet a man that has a GF and part of you wants to pursue it because hey, you never know, he may be your one and you his and the other chick is the real “bad guy” because SHE’S the one that’s really in the way. But then again, you think “well there’s the karma; the ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ thing” and you end up walking away feeling like the one missing out.
I don’t know, I can’t call it. Whether or not you should pursue a man that’s just in a relationship and not married, well that totally depends on the parties involved and the situation itself – it’s all subjective.
“you hear these stories of couples meeting when the other was in a “dead-end” relationship and they knew it was “just right” between them.”
You’re so right on that one. We hear about those happily ever after stories a lot. Brangelina? Prince Charles & Camilia Bowles? Also many romantic comedies are based on this plot structure.
I feel if you were really “meant to be” you can keep your hands off each other until the “horrible” relationship you’re in is finished.
Remember you are your karma…and the effects of the boomberang can be painful.
I think a casual dating situation is one thing. Once you’ve decided to exclusively see 1 person then it makes it a little different. All that, “I’m not happy here so I’ma test this other option out” stuff doesn’t fly with me. If that’s the point your at that you’d rather search for things with someone else then leave. I think I lot of folk don’t really know what they want so they’re all over the place trying to be content.
Cheating, especially this rationalized version of it brings me to a big rule I live by relationship wise. Be cautious of a person that leaves a partner and immediate starts a new relationship with no “down time” in between. That usually means that she was entertaining the new guy while still technically with the original partner.Not a good look in my book.
“If that’s the point your at that you’d rather search for things with someone else then leave. I think I lot of folk don’t really know what they want so they’re all over the place trying to be content.”
Through personal experience (boy i’m referring to myself a lot today) I found that was the case- I was looking for happiness & sense of adventure in the wrong place, which ultimately lead to my breakup of that particular relationship.
I co-sign on your rebound theory…your head can not possibly clear after a breakup..down time is definetly key. To latch on to some dude who tickled my fancy before or during the tumultuous times in a previous relationship does not make this man a winner..He’s prolly looking to hit it and ultimately actions speak louder than words.
It may be great you found someone to connect with but if you’re truly connected time will tell and the truth character of that person will be revealed..
I am loving the input today…thank you Nightfall & Terry!!!!!!
First and Foremost AALIYAH IS MY GIRL!
Okay, now to the topic at hand, you hit it right on the hand when you stated, “I think anything besides full out sexual contact (anything besides the kiss), is a great way to test the strength of a relationship”.
I agree with this fully ESPECIALLY if you are in your 20′s! I mean in your 20′s do you really know what you want? Aren’t the 20′s the years in which you rae suppose to make mistakes, wonder, test the waters, and really figure out what it is you want once you hit your old age years?
Now, if I was ole’ girl who was all close and personal and then some bitch apparently without a life comes up to us and ask this new man I’m into where is his girlfriend and/or wife. I must honestly admit I would ROLL MY DAMN EYES AT THE WOMAN WHO NEEDS TO GO AND TEND TO HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS, I would allow the man to respond and carry on with my flirtacious night.
I may exchange numbers and see where things go from their. I mean life is short, am I really abot to allow some hatin ass bitch dictate my future? How would I even know if she’s telling the truth?
I CAN GO ON AND ON AND ON about this topic, because my actions with the fella would vary upon soooooooo many factors. If I was just looking for some fella to laugh with, hang out, and possibly have sex with, THEN MAYBE JUST MAYBE, I would continue to pursue this man without any cares in the world.
Though I must admit, I wouldn’t be planning any possible weddings in my mind about me and this brotha because it’s apparent he got SOME KIND OF DRAMA in his life. Regardless if he’s really dating STACEY or if Stacey is some crazy ex-girlfriend or Baby Mama who got a crazy stalka crew. NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCE, I Don’t DO DRAMA!
Forever Fabulous,
The Single Dame
P.S. Thanks for stopping by the blog. AND please PARDON any and all typos. It’s late, I’m drinking wine, and Maxwell is singing in my ear about them damn cops knockin….BYE!
“Now, if I was ole’ girl who was all close and personal and then some bitch apparently without a life comes up to us and ask this new man I’m into where is his girlfriend and/or wife. I must honestly admit I would ROLL MY DAMN EYES AT THE WOMAN WHO NEEDS TO GO AND TEND TO HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS, I would allow the man to respond and carry on with my flirtacious night.”
I’m with you on that one. This senario actually happened with a friend of mine, and I’m sure with many other females and my thoughts were the same…you are not doing anything wrong by getting your flirt on.
btw what kind of wine you dranking Single D???? Might have to pick some up this weekend lol
Hey Girly,
I’m dranken (lol) some local made “Plum Wine” from this place called Cooper’s Hawk in the suburbs of Chicago. It’s a very very sweet wine and it’s actually one of the only Plum Wines I’ve tasted that is pretty yummy.
And girl you right, ain’t a damn thing wrong with getting your FLIRT ON!
Forever Fabulous,
The Single Dame
Damn I wrote a lot! LOL!
Forever Fabulous,
The Single Dame
First off, homegirl was dirty for jumping in the convo asking about Stacey lol. He could have been networking or something. Let that man live and if you must call it out, send his girl a text or something.
I think that whenever you are in a committed relationship regardless of whether you are married or not, you need to stay true to that person or be man/woman enough to say something if u aren’t getting all u need at the crib. Its both embarassing and insulting to your mate for you to be creeping with someone else, especially publicly. I have told my fiancee with a totally straight face that I would kill them both if I ever caught her cheating. This is of course an exagerration and we laugh about this (nobody call the police) but there would be dire consequences. Tenfold if it was public knowledge even amongst her girlfriends. I think to avoid issues, just open a clear line of communication from jump so u can say “hey youre not doing XY and Z which I need to be happy”. And ladies specifically understand that (in the words of Katt Williams) “if you wont do it, theres a raggedy b**** that will” so keep your man happy on all levels and he should be held to the same obligation!
“I have told my fiancee with a totally straight face that I would kill them both if I ever caught her cheating. This is of course an exagerration and we laugh about this (nobody call the police) but there would be dire consequences.”
oh ok.. ::hangs up the phone after starting to dial 911::
You scared me apropervillain! lol
I feel you on the give and take aspect of relationships & keeping the lines of communication open.. BUT I think that in many cases its just not that easy for a man/woman to come out and say “boo, you’re f*cking boring this shit out of me these days”
If you can w/o getting bodied GREAT but its not likely and i think thats why ppl feel the urge to cheat.
So my question to you (and anyone else who subscribed to comments)…is …how do you overcome the boredom hump in a committed relationship? Because to say that you do not get bored with your SO from time to time is lying and I wont believe you!!!