Unconventional Ways
June 9, 2009 5 Comments
I’ve had an epiphany, not a Chrisette Michele-type epiphany (btw the new album is hotness) but damn near close.
If you’ve been following along my yellow brick road you’ll know that I’ve been pretty open about my struggle with the whole title/label issue. If you’re new to wonderful world of Goddess Intellect, ohhhh child you need to catch up:
Do Titles Ruin Relationships? (My 1st featured post on SH Collective)
I have found myself in a situation where I am without a title, label or shackles. It was not something I initially agreed to, and sometimes struggle understanding but it works and for the first time in a long time I am- happy.
There is no need for deceit, and our “fights” are civil. Any disagreement brings me closer to understanding who he is and vice versa instead of creating frustration and misunderstanding.
There is space (we are miles apart) to breathe and grow as individuals and I am encouraged to grow. My goals and dreams are not stifled, criticized or manipulated.
My only expectations are respect and honesty, and that I believe, should be the foundation for any relationship we encounter. Without a firm foundation, there isn’t much, like a phone without any numbers/contacts programmed- what’s the use?
What is this epiphany?
Well I have been observing people, not peeping tom observing, but paying close attention to the people in my environment who are in relationships, successful and unsuccessful. I started building a mental my checklist and have become overly scrutinizing in the relationship department. What was the result?
I am content without a title.
And not forever, but right now. In my situation with “him”.
My worries of a casual relationship have ceased, because I realize that a relationship without a title is a relationship that knows no boundaries. My worry of being hurt slowly dissipates with every passing day.
Too often we get caught up with making sure to fit into the “right” category for example by developing a put-a-ring-on-it mentality and becoming extra cautious not to become a jump-off.
Sometimes, not all the times, we deceive ourselves into thinking that we automatically deserve a title. And as much as we all like to deem ourselves liberal and open minded, a relationship without a title is generally viewed negatively as an attempt to control or manipulate on the male’s part, or whoever first decides not to play the name game.
I like to think of my new found perspective in terms of brand name vs. generic product. Sorry I’m in the retail bi’ness!!!
Not to say that I would deny the offer to rock a brand name, but the no name product sometimes surpasses that of the “expensive brand name”. It builds brand loyalty based on the quality and flexibility of price, and most of the time the product is the same quality.
Break this down to our real lives with the brand name being a title. I have no problem rocking the title of girlfriend, but in in my non-relationship I feel as though I am treated with respect and I have negotiated costs (terms) so that they are flexible for me.
I am excited for what’s in store, whether I elevate or plummet I know that I took a chance and explored life in unconventional ways.
How do you feel about titles in a relationship? Can a lack of a title put added pressure on the individuals in a relationship?
Do you think that females are more concerned with giving a relationship a title more than males are?
Is there a breakeven point in a relationship where a title is necessary to sustain stability?
Always finding ways to link fashion theory to relationships,
Tee’d Off
Relationships
Titles never meant much to me personally BUT in my experiences I’ve learned that they do matter to women after a certain amount of time. That time may differ from person to person but at some point to the want to be public acknowledged as “Girlfriend, fiancee, etc” does come into play. Even the most independent super women I know, once under the spells of love seek that at some point.
Sometimes boundaries are a good thing. Especially after a period of unregulated freedom. People need limitations and rules as a relationship grows and expands. A husband should have different limits then a long term boy friend then a casual associate. It’s simple growth.
Many people run around with the “I don’t need the title of marriage to be married” ideal. And I ask what’s wrong with the title. If that is what you are as a couple why would you not want the title of wife or husband? What are you scared of or trying to hide?
[Many people run around with the “I don’t need the title of marriage to be married” ideal. And I ask what’s wrong with the title. If that is what you are as a couple why would you not want the title of wife or husband? What are you scared of or trying to hide?]
Good point as always!!
I know of a few ppl who are or who have been in situations like this. Anti-marriage, if you will. It can go either way..I grew up with an aunt and uncle who never married, had to call them by their first names lol but EVERYONE knew they were madly in love, they had such a positive impact on me and they remain together to this day…so often times ppl just refuse to conform..not necessarily afraid or holding back..
As for your take on boundaries & titles..you’re right after some time a woman usually seeks the title…I’m not at that point yet. But I’m interested to know what other people’s breakeven point is….Do you have one Nightfall??????
Titles aren’t an issue with me especially early on in relationships. May history has been that I’ll take my time in giving a “title” until on 100% sure of my/our position. That stance has in the past not sat well with some females who’d want the title sooner rather then later.
It’s all a matter of the female I’m with and what our goals are as to what the break even point is.
This article brought up great points. I think its great that two people can casually date and have fun and be them without “labels”. Its imporant for people to actually date and get to know eachother before actually being “offical.” HOWEVER, are you okay if he dates someone else?? Are you okay if he has sex with someone else? Do you have the authority to ask for monogamy when you are NOT in a relationship?
Hey Rosalie!
I’m so glad you asked me that question. I am a jealous person by nature, no real reason to be, but I can admit that I am. Despite of this I don’t expect sexual monogamy from him, its unrealistic, we’re miles apart (like i mentioned in the post) and he is not on any ball and chain. Now I know he doesn’t feel the same way( you know men!)…but I’ve chosen to remain exclusive to him (physically) out of respect for my own body. However I have gone on a date, and I told him that I did..and if I got asked out on a date again I’d go
If he were to date and become serious with someone else..well tough for me right? I would want to know and be free to continue on with life and that ties in with what I mentioned earlier with my only expectations being honesty & respect.