It’s not what’s on the outside, so is it what’s on the inside (of his wallet) that counts?
July 22, 2009 1 Comment
First off, shoutout to award-winning journalist and blogger Claudio E. Cabrera for inspiring today’s post topic. Mr. Cabrera is an excellent writer, with amazing insight, and we will definitely be collaborating in the future. Until then, please visit the Live Above Mediocrity blog, and show him some love.
Before I get on with today’s post, I have to put it out there that I am so delighted and humbled by all the male readers that visit GI on the regular *blows kisses*. When I first started blogging I assumed that my audience would consist of goddesses, who would be venting along with me in the form of comments, but it’s actually the Gods who are reppin consistently and supporting me through my journey (to lord knows where) and I appreciate it, please continue. And to all my female readers, I would love to hear more from you, DON’T BE SHY!!
Now on with the show…..
It’s a known fact that sistas tend to be selective. Selective with the brand of clothes we wear, the music we listen to, the products we put in our hair and yes, the men we let into our lives. I’ll even go as far to say that we are more vocal when one of the things I listed above are not up to standard. One can argue that a lot of indirect pressure is put on black women to keep it together and not look ghetto and as a result we are more attentive to appearance. And if you don’t believe me..why when all the black music and girly mags have folded, the hair magazines, despite the lack of new content, continue to thrive? And furthermore, even amidst a recession, Essence magazine reported that the business of black hair salons has not been affected (too lazy to dig out the source, sorry).
So what does hair magazines and the business of black salons have to do with the title of the post Tee?
A lot actually, it reinforces the fact that black women are selective and even materialistic to the point where it may be clouding our judgment in partner selection. In the comments of the Regroup: Independent & Unapproachable post, Claudio had this to say:
But, I will say that many Black women have a status thing going on. If she goes to Howard and Harvard and has her masters and all she may not deal with a regular middle class guy who works as a sanitation worker.
I think there are times when Black women look at Black men and try to match up with them resume for resume. If they don’t fit in terms of education or job title, they have no shot.
I am very guilty of this. I am not rolling with the ivy leaguers but I have post-secondary level of education and I automatically expect my mate to have the equivalent or higher. Have I dated any blue collar workers who didn’t have their walls lined with plaques? Of course. Did I find the relationship to be satisfactory? Hmmm I don’t know.
But I think that the profession of the blue collar man I was with, was not determinate in qualifying him as an ideal mate. The failed relationship(s) definitely left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and admittedly in the back of my mind I often think that a man who has never written a 10+ page report, bitched about his professor or busted his balls studying for the finals will ever be able to vibe with me on a whole. But then I consider this, what if the love of my life just so happens to be a garbage man? Would he doubt me because I do not possibly know what it’s like to go from house to house collecting garbage, lifting heavy bags, dealing with smells, and an annoying driver?
If a man took pride and had honor doing what he does day in and day out, although it is not in an office, at a desk from 9-5, 40 hours a week, is that not enough of an aphrodisiac?
I think it’s easier to forego the profession when selecting the ideal mate but it’s harder to overlook the wallet. Not the quality leather of the wallet, but what’s inside the wallet, yea the Dinero. I won’t say that women need to overlook the contents of the wallet but we definitely need to pay attention to how the contents of the wallet is being disbursed. I observe females who are quick to fall for the chain, car, and crap (other materialistic goods) that a man may show off that he has. When dude could be leasing a car month to month that he has no businesses leasing or worse yet be living out of, his chain may have been on layaway for years and his crap? All evenly disbursed on all 3 of his almost maxed out credit cards he obtained in college.
I like nice things, I have a taste for quality, but I have an even bigger appetite for men who live within their means.
Bottom line, although it’s perfectly normal to be selective with mates, hair, and our appearances, we should keep in mind that it is almost essential to our happiness to be more selective of the intangible things, like consistency, good sense, consideration, honor, and passion. I am convinced that if there is more of a focus on the intangible, then the tangible (strong back, good looks, big ego? Nice car) qualities we desire will fall in place. And NO tangible qualities does not necessarily mean perfection!
Ok I’m going to play teacher for today..I have an exercise that I’d like you to try- if you feel up to it:
- Either on paper, phone, on the computer or in your head make two columns.
- Name the two columns “Tangible” & “Intangible”.
- List all the qualities you desire in your ideal mate, and place them under either column- BE HONEST!
- Go slowly through the columns and strike out what qualities you could do without, again BE HONEST!
- If the tangible side is significantly larger than the intangible side you got some INNNNAAA work to do
I was once asked by my “life coach” to do this with an ex, I kept chatting her ear off about, and it jump started my brain believe me. So I’m passing the exercise on to my GI readers, male or female to try.
OOooo look at that word count, I hope I didn’t lose yall!!!!
Gods and goddesses how heavy does the material weigh with you? Can you honestly forego the fact that a potential mate has lower than your equivalent in education or funds? If not, please share why..pretty please with cherries on top.
Weak for the suit and tie as well as the handyman,
Tee’d Off
Goddess, Relationships, Society
Love your site! Thank you very much!