Are you a reflection of me?
August 11, 2009 9 Comments
In my first year of college when I was occupied with exploring the world of post-secondary education and body shots I found myself backed up against the wall. I was pulled out of my part-time job one day to find that life, as I had known it was shattered. Without going into too revealing too much personal detail about what took place, the result of the incident left me feeling obliged to assume the responsibility as caregiver for my two younger sisters. So I took on the responsibility and vowed to never leave them to be engulfed into a system, which would have them labelled as merely a case number.
With my middle sister being closer in age to me, she turned to independent living quite quickly. My younger sister and I are 11 years a part, I went through almost 5 years as full time parent, full time student only to become a full time employee. I cut my education short, so that I could snag a 9-5 and be around after school for swimming practice, and various other extra curricular activities.
People were in awe of how we managed to press on, despite not having family support. In fact no one was able or willing to step in as caregiver and felt that I was handling things just fine.??!! But then it became near impossible to operate as a cohesive family unit, when her teen rebellion and longing to be “normal” became her logic.
She eventually was removed from my care, her choice (which she refuses to accept) and she now resides in a group home facility.
It’s very difficult for me to share this and write about this part of my life because it’s still something I struggle with on the daily.
Part of me feels like a failure, the other half of me is reassuring and tells me that I did the best that I could’ve done.
But its hard y’all, I have seen this little girl (that’s who she is in my mind) through a lot and she hasn’t made the best decisions in her young life.
She has so much potential, is on the straight and narrow for a while, and then falls off again. She often calls me up and our conversations turn into yelling matches or I receive tears and slobbering on the other end. We have good times together as well; it’s not always drama.
I was never the rebellious type as an adolescent so it’s so hard for me to relate to her at times. Everyone tells me to be patient, and that she will come around.
I believe this too. My hope is for her to rise above the adversity and become a powerful woman who knows who she is and protects who she loves.
Our children and our younger siblings are a reflection of us. I may not have been a rebellious teenager but there is a lot of me in her. I once longed to be normal, I still feel inadequate at times and I do enjoy walking to the beat of my own drum, we are just on different journeys.
I don’t expect any comments; this is just me pouring out my heart and soul like I try to do with every post.
BUT for the sake of potential convo (which is always appreciated and welcomed):
Ever taken on what may be seen as a gargantuous family responsibility?
If you have a family of your own, do you feel that your children are a reflection of you?
Letting go of the feelings of inadequacy,
Tee’d Off
Lifestyle, Society
I don’t have kids and my younger brother is pretty grown (26yrs old) but when fatherhood does come I’d want my kids to be a better reflection of me.
me too Nightfall!!…and I want my sister to be able to be a better reflection of me too…but sometimes as I have illustrated here,the acting out and rebellious behavior is sometimes a reflection of your weaknesses…
I am convinced that kids & younger siblings are put here to test you!!!
Ain’t nobody put here to test you! You let somebody work your nerves if you want. If this was a man, you would have cut his ass off. If we were on facebook, you would have deleted her ass. The rules are the same across the board. If it was a test, are you going to pass or fail? Don’t put yourself in a negative space.
This child did not spend enough time with you to become a reflection of you. She is a reflection of her mother. You influence her as much as lil wayne, her school teacher, lil nasty boys in the street and lil baby Jesus does. There may have been some issues or problems there that you didn’t know about.
I too took on the responsibility of my brother and sister, one of which has special needs. And i struggle with the separation between sister and parent. To add insult to injury I also hold the tittle of baby momma. I have children that range in age from 2(son), 7(son), 17(sister) and 20 (brother). I feel horrible every day that I am not doing enough and I should be doing more. But I can’t, my finical situation doesn’t allow me to, the big hand and the little hand on the clock doesn’t allow me to either but I try my best. And these kids will not drive me crazy or make me unhappy because they will ruin your life if you allow them to The radio is always on, the tv is always blasting music, the computer is always googling, the refrigerator door is always open, the cell phones are always texting. No one wants to be bothered with anyone else. Everyone is in their own zone. Yes it silently drives me crazy but this is my life and my choices. I choose to live and I chose to raise these hateful children because who else is going to do it…? One day they’ll say thank you and put me in a nice home. Find strength in the soles of your shoes and keep it moving.
Just because this girl is in a group home it does not mean that you can’t visit her or take her out or send her a card just to say hello. She is still your sister and will never forget you. I suggest if you have free time at least once a week, take her to get her hair done, take her out for the day or just go drop off a care package. Let her know whenever she wants to come home she can. She is younger than you and not as wise. Ya’ll need to stop having arguments period! If you call yourself an adult you don’t argue with children. Hear her out, let her say whatever her little mind has to offer. Than tell her I love you, I don’t quite understand but I promise to try.
Ask her, what can I do for you? Than follow it up with this is what I want you to do for me. You do it, she does it, everyone’s happy, at least for one day. That’s one more than you had to start. This works, I use this trick on all the kids. I have many more happier days now. And remember, momma/sister gotta live too. And “who gon check you boo!” lol
Hey Vanina!
Your comment had me crying…silently at my desk tho lol
For so long I’ve just felt alone because I didnt know anyone else in my circle going thru the same situation..I’m so grateful that you came across the post and left your comment!
Lately I’ve been listening more to her (my sister) than anything and avoiding the battles..cause you’re right you dont argue w children…there was no way in hell I could get away w back talking anyone older when i was younger..so the same goes for her.
“This child did not spend enough time with you to become a reflection of you. She is a reflection of her mother. You influence her as much as lil wayne, her school teacher, lil nasty boys in the street and lil baby Jesus does. There may have been some issues or problems there that you didn’t know about.”
That last part weighs heavy on my mind..I guess I continue to struggle with separating sister & role of mother. I am def going to put your advice to work.
and lastly keep doing what you’re doing holding up your fam..you sound like a damn PRO!! lol
I feel your pain…
I have a teenage son and I have been cursed with the dogma that your child is gonna be 2 times as bad as you were…..
I was lucky he is not as bad as i was *praising GOD*, but he did put me to the test….
Life is about the journey not the destination, and we are not going to get everything right. And we should be ok with that. There are lessons to be learned and shared, that is the beauty of our experience.
As one who struggles with what i didn’t do or what I am not doing, so I really understand what you are feeling.
But I would have to partly disagree with Vanina, the child/sibling is somewhat a reflection of you. That is what makes us proud parents/sister or disappointed parents/sister, but that’s ok. The lesson is: that didn’t work let’s try a different approach, and keep it moving.
I do agree with Vanina about “Then tell her I love you, I don’t quite understand but I promise to try.” Love rules out everything…
Remember.. It is the meaning we associate with our experience that gives it power…… Let’s give it a meaning that allows us to grow and learn no matter what the experience is!!
Baby, you do what you can do for her. Just PRAY.
Tee you are definitely not only when it comes to being a person who has to step up to the family plate as the “parent”. Both my parents are still alive and married and I have an older sister, but because of my parents poor financial decisions and my sister’s indifference to the entire situation I am in somewhat of the same situation as you. I live at home and can afford to sustain myself, but my family will literally collapse if I move out. I yearn to be like my fellow 20-somethings, but can’t because I am one part of two legs holding my family together.
I get angry, I want to “teach someone a lesson”, but most times I just want to run away. It’s depressing as hell and I accredit therapy and God as to why I haven’t just given up.
Vanina’s comment was the best. If you want a relationship with your sis, keep working on her and always remember that that is enough.
I’m still working on my situation so I can’t really give much advice on yours. The only consolation I can offer is: know that you are not alone; girl, you are definitely NOT ALONE.
Hey Tee,
I can relate to this post as well. My sister and I have the same age difference 11 yrs, she is 16 and unfortunately her situation is very similar to yours. My sister and I have the same father, different mothers, and about 6 six years ago she and her 4 other siblings( whom I’m not related to) had to be removed from their mothers care. My father at the time was not in the picture actively (he travelled frequently). So I would travelled all the way to my sisters house and let her stay with me in the mean time. Prior to this, I was a few minutes away (bus wise) to pick her up on weekends and let her stay with myself, my other sister (mom side, who is only a few years younger than her, and my mother ( who considers her as her “adoptive daughter”)
My father was found shortly after and had to do the obvious step up and take care of his kid! But it was clear he didn’t initially want to be in that situation
so guess who has to step up. ME!!!
Since then my dad has been an outstanding single parent father who does the best he can raising a teenage daughter, while I continue to take on the role as big sister/mom sometimes to her… which is difficult because I stuggle with being the person that she can call on to tell me her problems at school, boys, clothes whatever to being that person who has to be a disciplinarian.