One of the most treacherous things you can do to your love life is stay in a doh see doh relationship with an ex way after it should have been over. Mentally it starts to break you down, behaviors we would not normally accept start to become rationalized as love. We tell the world that we are single, but on the rare and lonely occasion this person somehow makes it back into our lives, we may have mutual friends or our heart just refuses to let go. Depending on how long the relationship lasted you may have started to see your ex lover’s family as yours, checking in, or even better them checking in on you.
We know intuitively when a relationship is over, the fight becomes pointless, and there is no eye contact when speaking to each other. What was fueled by passion is now cold and listless.
The hardest part about breaking up with someone is not the actual moment when the ties are severed it’s the aftermath. It’s when you are left in solitary confinement picking up the pieces of broken heart shattered all over your bedroom floor. Conversely you may have been the heart breaker and are now left to deal with heart wrenching attempts to ‘patch it up”. As humans we generally do not want to see others in pain, so this need to fix or make peace can often bring us back to our exes without even trying to heal or see the issues within the relationship for what they really are.
It’s tough on both ends however it’s important to grab a hold of yourself amidst the emotional chatter and realize that your heart was broken for a reason. It was not to punish you or remind you of your many alleged faults; it’s to propel you into the next step of your love life. Moving on never hurt anyone, however complacency has.
We will not remain bedazzled and charming to every lover forever. We will fight until we are red in the face wanting the ex to waive their decision but when it’s done….accept this and stick to these five tips to truly move on in style:
- Accept that you may lose friends or “family members” for good or for awhile: While you are getting back to center accept that you may not have the same mutual friends and that his family may either a) cling harder wanting you two to get back together b) completely do a 180 on you forgetting that you even existed. Keep your distance for awhile or let them know that it is over and you do not want to talk about that topic right now.
- Stay off their social media: You are allowed one sneak then you must delete or distance yourself. It’s so easy to get caught up thinking every status is an attack at your character, about you or even worse about someone new. It’s probably not, but the vulnerable state you’re in right now will say different.
- Post-break up conversations: I know I want to write a long letters or meet up and have a really long talk when I get dumped- that’s my emotions acting a fool. The best thing to do is limit the time you spend obsessing to a minimum each day, write down what you are feeling, cry, but do not go trying to patch things up when your emotions are sky high. In fact when you feel the urge to call the ex just to “check in” call someone, anyone else!
- Get off your butt: It’s normal to keep a distance or hold a moping party the first week but when your friends barge in for the ultimate intervention, don’t fight it. After a horrible breakup I made sure I was out, having sleepovers, talking about the future- Anything to bring me back to center.
- Be kind and thoughtful to yourself: After breakups it’s quite normal to self-loathe, self pity and constantly have “I should’ve” scenarios replaying in your head. Remember what caused the break up and why you must move on then schedule days of love. Treat yourself to things you would do when you are head over heels in love: Schedule a mani and pedi session, go to a day spa (Tip: during weekdays you can get better prices), go see a movie solo. Be kind and gentle with yourself as much as possible.
I know it’s hard to talk to others about the ex you can’t seem to get rid of. People will side eye, roll their eyes and shake their heads at the mention of him/her for the ten thousandth time. Their opinions don’t matter; at the end of the day are you happy in this semi-relationship? It’s time to stop being the victim, the one who can’t break the cycle, and it’s time to get your power back!
That’s right! No one is able to get inside your head or mess with your heart unless you allow them to. What you had wasn’t all that great or you would still be together trying to work through issues, let it go. Let. It. Go.
It’s time to make room for better; you are not alone in this and never will be once you start to build back control over your love life.
If you know that you are stuck in limbo trying to break it off with an ex but feel like you will just keep running back please feel free to reach out. I answer each email personally firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dating Event (Toronto)- March, 1, 2013
Battle of The Sexes (Oakland, CA) April 2013
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