A Man’s Perspective: The Custody Battle [Exclusive]

By goddessintellect Wednesday November 14, 2012

Editor’s Note: Hey it’s GI, today we are switching it up on the blog. I’ve asked my dear friend Ainz Neal to post on an issue I feel a lot of us remain in the dark about- The custody battle. We often see women struggle with chasing deadbeats for visitation and child support but we rarely hear about a man’s struggle in the game. There are men all over who have been banned from seeing their children on the basis of how their bitter baby mothers feel about them. There’s a lot of resentment and pain that many women hold on to long after their child’s father has moved on and it makes me sick. It makes me sick because once you become a parent…it’s no longer about you. I ask that you please read this piece with an open mind, and I look forward to reading everyone’s feedback.

The final count is 30 days and about 14 hrs since i last spoke too and seen my daughter Chloe. That is something that I’m not proud about but it is the hand that is being dealt to me do to my current situation. I was with her mother for a couple of years, at one moment I thought she was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I invested a lot of time and effort into that relationship, I know some women are going to sit here and say “yea so what we do it all the time.” I believe wrong is wrong no matter who does it male or female, shoot my father walked away from my brother and i as kids. For years I was so upset and questioned why he did, I use to say that I was going to be a better father than he ever was. Honestly, the sad part is I almost repeated the cycle. You know what? I can forgive him now for what he did, reason being I now understand the reason why he did it.

This isn’t a post to bash my daughters mother or any other mother out there that is trying to make it hard for a man to do what he needs to do. This is a post to let you take a look at yourself in the mirror male or female and do what you know in your heart is the right thing. The percentage of minority children being raised in single parent households in the US is 75%. Now 85% of our people that are in the prison system come from fatherless homes. So women please understand when you read this, when that man you have whether he may be stubborn or makes you upset or he has moved on- If he is there trying to do what is best for his children and you are there making it difficult whether you are together or not, please know that he is doing something that he never saw someone do before him. A lot of us didn’t have fathers so If you have a man and he is there with you and he is trying to do the right thing say thank you to that man.

A good man no matter how hard it is wouldn’t walk away unless you deflated whatever ego he had left in him till he felt less of a man. Honestly I stayed with my daughter’s mother through things that I know wasn’t right but I didn’t know anything but dysfunction. All I knew was that my dad left, so I tried to make that relationship work I didn’t want to quit. A real man is not suppose to quit that’s what I kept telling myself and that is what society puts on us from an early age. You know the old sayings “big boys don’t cry” “suck it up don’t act like a girl” “a man is suppose to be tough”. Well I was more worried about what everyone thought around me than being honest with myself and knowing that wasn’t the right situation for me.

When I finally decided to walk away, I learned that she was pregnant with our daughter Chloe. I think in the last 3 years since she has been born, I have been through war just to be able to have the type of relationship with my child I want. Some of you that will read this have probably seen my social media platforms to know that since birth has seen every step of her growth. You won’t even know those pictures and updates hide that we live 3 states apart since she was a year old. I’ve done the best I can with what I was able to work with, I’ve been put on child support because I decided to see another woman. I’ve had that said case dropped a couple months later because she changed her mind. Which honestly the reason was giving her more money than the system would take out my check. Spent my whole life trying to avoid the legal system to have a court officer and a lawyer look me dead in the face and tell me you must not be doing something right for you to be here. There was the time my brother got married and my daughter couldn’t be the flower girl unless her mother was invited or my child was left in my mother’s care not my own because I was with another woman. I’ve been told that I will never get my receipts for my daycare payments so I don’t get that money back. As she puts it “You won’t be out here living good”.

I have always taken care of my responsibilities since my child has been born. I use to take those doctor trips, have her strapped in baby bjorn on my chest, I read books to, gave the baths, fed and picked her up from daycare. I made sure she knew who her daddy was from an early age.

Lately phone calls to speak to my daughter never get returned. I found out my daughter was sick the other day only because her mother posted something on instagram. To see my child I travel 8 hrs to pick up my daughter round trip just to spend 2 full days with her to go right back, turn around do another 8 hour trip to take her home. For Chloe’s 3rd bday her mom and I decided to spend the day with her- I gave her a Tiffany’s necklace. All her mother could say under her breath was “she got one before me” and when it was time for the bill to be payed I picked up the tab which led to her making a face. How our time being spent upset me and affects how I have a relationship with our child.

See, I didn’t have someone to guide me early in my life how to be a good man. I had to learn through trial and error, I shared some of my experiences that I have had to go through. Honestly they are a lot more, some really messed up and messy. I use to react and get upset and act a way, because I later figured out that is what she wanted me to do. She wanted to show everyone and say “You see how he really is, he isn’t all that good.” As much as she tried to hurt me in every way it just made me better. I’ve accomplished so much more through all this no matter how much its gotten tougher.

Fellas, please understand our kids need us, we have to be strong for them I know it isn’t easy but you will be alright. After that comment was made about me not living good I woke up the next day and said “you know what? I will put myself on child support”. The money is going to come out every 2 weeks, I know I’m not a slouch I will always work and do what I have to do. That way I don’t have to hear you say anything about money to me. I will still do what I want for my child regardless.
If she isn’t letting you see your kids, go get visitation she can’t stop you from seeing your children. If you feel like you don’t have a say and she is making decisions without your consent file for joint legal custody. I will tell you this straight up they won’t make it easy for you because they think we are all the same. If that means you have to be in court every week, or month or whatever, please make sure you fight for your children. If you feel defeated and frustrated then you know what take a break just stay away for bit get yourself back together so you can focus so you can do what you need too for them. They want us be scared of the system but just as a woman will use it, so should you. Once you set a foundation for your child they will never forget you.

I’m at the point right now where I had to take a break mentally because I was allowing this situation to get the best of me. Even if I’m not able to be with my daughter everyday I need to stay on point and still provide for her financially, so I have chosen to step back and re-focus. As this new year is coming I’m preparing myself for whatever is to come. My daughter means to world to me August 16th 2009 at 3:12pm changed my life forever. It gave me a chance have everything I never got as child and even though I’m going through this rough moment it too shall pass. Our children didn’t ask to be here, and the parents personal issues with each other should not be taken out on them. They need a loving and strong foundation to help them grow up to be the best that they can be.

@AinzNeal & @chloemireya on Twitter

Visit Ainz & Chloe on this site.

…..The floor is open

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7 Comments

Camara (Reply) on Wednesday 14, 2012

This past weekend, my “long-lost” brother and my father had a big blowout. They’ve been fighting for years. You see, from my brother’s perspective Dad wants little to nothing to do with him. He think he’s entitled to an apology if not an explanation as to why he was left out of the family. Because he can’t/won’t get what he wants, he is extremely disrespectful to our father. From my father’s perspective, his mother is the reason why he didn’t get to see him as often as he wanted. But because my brother is disrespectful and Dad can’t/wont’ tolerate it they are unable to calm down enough to have a relationship now. Ainz Neal is absolutely right when he said that parental issues should never affect the child. He’s also right that men should use the system just as women do. There’s fault to be found all around and the result is a 21 year old boy in trouble with the law because “Daddy didn’t love him.”
2 likes
kay (Reply) on Wednesday 14, 2012

I don’t want to attack this man because he is honestly trying to be involved, but your child’s mother sounds like a drama queen. You didn’t notice this before? She’s jealous that you ended the relationship. She’s trying to get to you through your child. She’s immature. This is why irresponsible and immature people need to use better birth control. I’m a firm believer in the institution of marriage. It is mostly there for children anyway. Too many people act like they don’t know how to do the right thing. If men took care of their responsibilities and the mothers were responsible, maybe this whole baby mama/baby daddy culture wouldn’t be such a mess, but too many people try to use their children as a weapon and never put their kids first.

I hope your childish ex wakes up and decides to be mature and put her child first.
2 likes
Kimani (Reply) on Wednesday 14, 2012

Reading your post spoke to me big time. I too am also a victim of a mother trying to make my life difficult by trying to keep my daughter away from me. At one point, I had not seen her for 8 months, 9 days. I am ashamed of saying that. This is made possible all because she painted a picture to her family and friends that I’m an unfit ffather and am in no position to take care of our child. It was a nasty feeling, like what you are going through. The girl who I loved to the point of wanting to spend my life with her, pretty much had taken the most important person in my life away from me. Why you ask? Greed and money.

Over a period of time, with the help of friends, family, and reading up on my rights as a parent, I’m allowing her greed to hang herself to the point of no return. Yes, I am paying child support and yes I have visitations every two weekends. Now I’m in a situation where not only I can provide for my child on a consisant basis, but I’m in a better living situation than her mother. Yet still, her mother makes it very difficult and is highly unrational with her decisions.

I too also had to take a break, because it is very stressful. At the end of the day, kids need their fathers full time, not part time. I just pray that the greedy mothers see that like you mentioned.
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keisha brown (Reply) on Wednesday 14, 2012

i could write an entire blog post (and have avoided writing one) about my own situation.
all i can say is that there will come a time when chloe will know the real truth. and she will be worse off for it. she needs her mom to be a better woman for herself and for the woman that she will become.
this makes me sad.
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Sunny (Reply) on Wednesday 14, 2012

Wow thanks for sharing… its sad because I enjoy all your post and pics about little Chloe.

I don’t understand why some females do this, and trust you are not the only one. I agree with another commenting, she is immature and trying to hurt you.

I pray that things work out and this is sad.
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Darrk Gable (Reply) on Wednesday 14, 2012

Your insight is transparent….and relatable. My oldest daughters’ mother and I had a falling out before she gace birth. When it was time, I couldn’t get to the nursery to see .my new baby, nor did we have much contact over the next 16 months. I didn’t even meet my daughter until she was over a year old. You’re doing the wise thing, even if it’s stressful. As your daughter gets older, she’ll see what’s going on, and need you even more. Take it from me, it will twist your heart at times, but be so worth it to know she loves you and needs you so much.
1 likes
Lulu (Reply) on Wednesday 14, 2012

I commend you for what you are doing a stand up guy, but I just want to point out that not all single moms are evil. Im a single.parent myself my situation is that I tried everything that I could to get my daughter’s father in her life, I’ve called and I’ve sent him messages but.no call, to.honestly say I.have no hatred at all towards him and I’ve always told him whenever he is ready to be in his daughter’s life he knows where to find me, from that I stop bothering him cause I don’t want him to be pressured, so I’m happy if he’s around or not its his call. I always told myself that I will never bad mouth my daughter’s father when she gets folder she make that decision on her own. I commend you for all the effort that you are doing for your daughter. There are truly good father’s out there that will do anything for their kid. Good luck to you.
1 likes