I remember one of the first times I cried in front of a man now maybe 5 or 6 years ago. So used to putting up a front and always being right I usually held tears in no matter what until I was alone. It always feels more natural to cry in private especially when I was raised to; “STOP DA NOISE!” every time the ugly wrinkled face formed and my eyes welled up spilling hot ass salty tears.
I never expected to see him again after he had shared harsh words with me when I ended our tryst and expressed interest in seeing someone else. But there I was months later in the passenger seat of his car sharing my concerns about how the grass had not been as green on the other side.
Out of nowhere I started to bawl uncontrollably: Baby- face-in-the-hands-wah bawling.
Mid sob I wanted nothing more than to run out of the car, into my apartment and continue the bawl to end all bawls but I was paralyzed.
It was the first time I had been comforted while I cried. Sleep was always my pat on the back, but this time it was an actual human being comforting me.
I was too dizzy with miseducation about love at the time to realize how significant that moment was in my life. I had allowed myself to be human, to cry in front of another and I was okay afterwards.
Fast forward to 2012- I’ve had a few experiences in this year alone where I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable as in I don’t know what the future holds but I trust you because I feel comfortable and confident in letting my guard down because I’m ready for amazing things to happen in my life.
When pain has been inflicted the body sends the mind a stern message that it doesn’t want any part of that experience again, so the mind parleys with our emotions and we then have avoidance.
If any one of our five senses gets a hint of the painful experience it acts a damn fool, so much that it subconsciously creates the pain all over again despite the avoidance of the actual experience.
This maddening process replays in our mind because we’ve programmed it that way. There was no intervention of the subconscious, which is the easiest going yet most influential when we compare the body, mind and emotion.
In short although we may be physically mentally and emotionally vulnerable to pain with the risk we take in any relationship we enter, there is strength in taking the leap. We have the choice NOT to be fearful of every experience that may MIMIC the painful one. We have the choice to see every person and new relationship with a fresh set of eyes and we certainly have the choice to be fearless in love.
My new motto in love and life is YOLO “If it scares me bad enough I should probably give it a try”. So far the payback has been grand.
When you think about a past relationships that have gone sour (romantic or not) what experiences come to mind? Have you repeated any of these experiences with others or have they all been unique?