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Giving An Ultimatum In A Relationship Is The Perfect Way To Break Up

Love it or leave it! Tell me you love me? If you love me you will blankity blank blank and show that blah blah blah. Girrrrrllll, you know if he cared he would only [insert action] and do [insert other action].

If you leave him, he will realize what he’s missing and come crawling back…they always come back!

Ya I’m done with the neck-snappetry. I know as a woman I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across the phrases I listed above. It’s been programmed into my head that it has to be my way or the highway in a relationship. I believe this mentality is what causes the ultimate loneliness. It’s comparable to the toddler who has just learned the word no and repeats it after every question asked although he or she may not know what the hell “no” means. Toddlers enjoy seeing the reaction of their parents and testing limits. Toddlers know that their parental figures have a limit and even when they are scolded, pull a tantrum and recover they feel secure because the parent is not going anywhere.

This works in the wonderful world of a toddler, but can this methodology assist a grown ass woman in her relationship? With the pulling of a tantrum and other methods of verbal annoyance can she in fact snag the man of her dreams?

The difference between the Toddler and just your average basic chick is that the toddler is aware there is an order and level of respect. Although it may be tested it is never crossed, after discipline the parent resumes interaction with the child, balance is temporarily restored.

I compare ultimatums given in relationships to a tantrum. Most ultimatums are given so that the partner, usually a man, proves his affection for the woman by submitting to her will. I have yet to hear of or experience a time when an ultimatum is given and a man suddenly realizes what a great woman he has standing in front of him and submits.

In fact he is usually turned off and become defensive, not because his feelings are not genuine for the woman but because a) the real issue is not being openly discussed (ultimatums are one-sided discussions) b) ultimatums are a form of negative reinforcement.

If a man tells me to wear a blue skirt on our date or he’s leaving me, I am not going to all of a sudden panic and put on a blue skirt. I’m going to want answers to the questions I have in my head and my ears will shut off if I don’t have the opportunity to compromise or discuss the matter. Unlike the toddler each individual has the choice to bounce when given an ultimatum and by giving one have basically opened the door for your partner to leave.

In relationships we may have many questions that we demand answers for, an ultimatum will not get you a favorable one. Treat others the way you want to be treated even though at that moment you are not getting the response you desire. Just a little something I had floating at the back of my mind hope it finds its way into your relationships ;)

Have you ever used an ultimatum in a relationship? What was the ultimatum? Have you ever been given an ultimatum? What is the best way to get your partner to do something you want?

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Goddess Intellect

Relationship Coach at Goddess Intellect
Telisha Ng is the Creator of Battle of the Sexes Show, and Goddess Intellect. You can always find Telisha offering fun wisdom and sound advice on relationships. It’s her mission to bring men and women together for love, respect and flirtatious freedom to make the world a better place.
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  1. Carla (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    I have never been given an ultimatum and have never given one HOWEVER, I have set my standards for what I will or will not accept. You are right ultimatums do not work most of the time.

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  2. Nightfall (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    They don’t work on me. I do anything I dont want to do.

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  3. Melzie (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    The way I see it, there’s no room for ultimatums in any relationship. You’re right, it’s a surefire plan for setting up disaster.

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  4. Nikks (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    I’ve never given an ultimatum and I’ve never been given one. I’m not needy, so I won’t have any problems telling a man to kick rocks if he’s trying to force me to do something I don’t have any intention of doing. That’s also why I don’t give ultimatums, it’s not fair and like you said it’s just opening a door for his or her departure.

    I might use an ultimatum as reverse psychology so he can leave because I don’t want to be mean and dump him. Lol. When I need something I simply ask. It’s either a yes or no, but no demands. You can get what you want without threatening folks.

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  5. LuvJones423 (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    Over the years I’ve been given an ultimatum or 2 and my former mates were given exactly what they deserved… my ass to kiss. I have no problem with compromise but what I don’t do are idle threats. I can only think of one time I’ve dishes out an ultimatum. A few years ago a beau & I were stalling on letting go of a relationship that was already dead & gone. We had the silly idea to try an open relationship after being exclusive for over 2 years & after 6 months of waiting while he dated I knew I didn’t want it anymore but was too afraid to say it. I told him either to stop seeing everyone else or to stop seeing me; he chose the latter. It freed us both up from having to say it but it was a bit of cowardice on my behalf.

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  6. sunnydelyte21 (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    Ultimatums are a sure way to end a relationship.

    I was given one once and lets just say that didn’t work out they way he thought.

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  7. Laura (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    My boyfriend and I are having a fight and I gave him an ultimatum, but it’s over something so stubborn on his part. He refuses to wear deoderent to bed. He doesn’t like the feel of deoderent at night (he finally started taking baths at night when I’m over) but I can’t sleep in the same bed with him if he doesn’t wear it. I know guys naturally perspire more than women, and he is a nice guy, but body oder when you’re trying to have a romantic moment is just a little too distracting!

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    • goddessintellect (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

      I think that if he’s willing to take baths before bed you should work with him on that. It shows he has heard your concern and is willing to meet you half way. I don’t like wearing deodorant to bed my damn self but i also do not have a problem with body odor. I would look into ways of helping to control your bf’s body odor, what is his diet like? Certain foods help contribute to bad body odor. Could you buy him nice manly smelling soaps? I would make it into a shopping date and an opportunity for bonding. Body odor can be overcome, just gotta tweak some things in your lifestyle.

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  8. loveDove (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    What do you do though when the person giving the ultimatum wont talk about it or anything else. They just cast blame and judgment when your trying to be a good person/partner and all they do is shit on you with there words and looks ….. and you can’t afford to get out with out moving in with someone else? Do you cheat to get away?

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    • goddessintellect (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

      @Love dove- you may not be able to afford to move out with the person but you can work towards saving up to leave. You may also need to look at other alternatives, staying with friends or family. Someone who shits on your with their words or does nothing but blame is doing that from a place of weakness. I would a)seek counseling or contact me via email contact@goddessintellect.com b) start thinking about options that do not involve taking the easy way out aka cheat. There is always a way, Hope to hear from you soon & sorry for the delayed reply.

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  9. jay (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    I’ve had an ultimatum work on me before then again it was my first serious relationship and it shows our level of maturity

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  10. Jane (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

    Help I have just been given an ultimatum from my partner of 6 years. My 18 yr old son has been awful at home using bad language and breaking things very angry lad. He has lived at my parents for 3 months and phoned me to ask if he can be given the chance to move back home and prove that he has changed and will not do these things any more. On trying to discuss this with my partner to see what he thought he was very stand offish towards me and gave me the ultimatum that the day my son moves back in is the day he will move out and he wants me to let him know tomorrow what the decicion is because he will have to arrange stuff . Help pls give me input I love my son and I love my partner and I don’t like ultimatums one bit I have never done it to anyone and I have to take into account others feelings it just feels like my feelings don’t count right now . Please help

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    • Goddess Intellect (Reply) on Monday 8, 2011

      Hi Jane- I’m so sorry you’re being put in such a difficult position right now. As much as you love your partner I feel that if he pressures you to choose between your son and him then you’re best to let him walk alone. I get that he may need a break from the conflict or perhaps he may feel that you are not giving him authority to parent. Whatever the case may be I do believe you two can work past your frustrations but he first needs to understand that your son is not disposable and that in order to work through this as a family you TWO need to be united. Unless your son sees unity he will never have respect for either of you.
      If you need more insight please feel free to email me contact@goddessintellect.com

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