Human Trapper Keepers
Boy meets girl. Boy and girl likes this. Boy and girl start dating and talking everyday- awww. Boy and girl then copulate and likes this even more then BOOM BOOM…you got a relationship.
Time goes on, a pattern forms, boy and girl appear to be comfortable and oooey gooey in love. Then girl notices that boy isn’t sweet talking and complimenting her as much as he used to. This gets girl suspicious. Girl then proceeds to pick up boy’s phone and quickly rummages through it. She finds a text from an unidentified female. She doesn’t tell boy, because the text is so generic that if she were to confront him about it she would be made to look like an insecure fool. As time goes on girl decides to introduce boy to another side of her called the trapper keeper. Her secret compartments store passwords not only to her private email, social networks, and bank accounts but her compartments also have room for Boy’s personal info as well. She offers to store his personal info with the promise that this will bring them closer together because they both have nothing to hide RIGHT? She neglects to tell Boy about the text message by the unidentified female. Boy is not completely convinced that girl trusts him, but he would rather fight naked than with clothes on and surrenders his personal info without hesitation.
Sound familiar?
The other day I was drooling over at Nightfall’s blog, catching up on his weekly vlogs. Nightfall is planning his major television network takeover as the next Wayne Brady and I want to support him with all his endeavours because that’s what groupies do family does. He happened to touch on the subject of password sharing in relationships. This is a subject I am always being asked about myself and I constantly find that although people front like they are anti-trapper keeper it is actually more common place in relationships than one would believe.
Often there is a need other than mere suspicion to share passwords and pins. Perhaps, the maintenance of a social network page or email is the task assigned to one of the partners, perhaps they share a profile. I’ve also learned that it’s a myth that only females are serial trapper keepers, men have snoopy trapper keeper tendencies too!
I strongly feel that until there is a wedding band on my finger, two names on my phone bill and bank account my partner is not privy to shit. Even then, I will make it a priority to maintain some sort of independence whether it’s having my own bank account, or keeping my social networking passwords to myself. I think that by snooping and searching for trouble I will find it, plus I have enough passwords to remember already smh. That’s not to say that I want to remain ignorant to possibilities of my partner cheating. Let me break it down this way……
With the example I gave above, Girl had an issue with not receiving enough attention. She chose to keep the issue to herself; because she had a fear of upsetting her partner, and appearing insecure. She chose to disrespect Boy’s boundaries by going through his personal belongings. She found a text message from the unidentified female, and chose to make more assumptions and dig herself deeper in an emotional rut. She now has now created the conflict of withholding her emotions, proving to be untrustworthy and even worse she has made this unidentified female apart of her relationship with Boy.
I think that a lot of headaches can be avoided by practicing the lost art of communication and by paying attention to the actions of our partners. If there is a break in the consistency of the relationship and you’re not feelin it, let them know. Facebook, MySpace and TD bank should not be dictating the flow of your relationship. I feel like if I have to hack into a man’s account to know how he’s spending his time and who he is talking to, I need not be in that relationship or I need not get myself in TOO deep with that person.
BUT I have girlfriends who demand this information and have made it their requirement to monitor their man’s activity on and offline. I also have girlfriends who have this information at their fingertips, snoop, and do nothing once they uncover the fact that their mates are cheating…..Oh Oh Oh…and even worse, I know of women who are trapper keeping, they uncover secrets, confront the presumed miscreant of their relationship and then resume daily trapper keeping only to repeat, rinse and wash- allowing themselves to be walked over and disrespected.
I want to know what the deity thinks about human trapper keeping. I’ve never cared to snoop because I know instinctively when something’s up and reliance on passwords and account statements don’t appeal to me. Yet, I’ve come to realize that many healthy relationships involve some element of trapper keeping, so perhaps I’m in the dark. Perhaps by not caring I allow myself to get played?
What are your thoughts on human trapper keeping?
Do you have human trapper keeper tendencies? If so, school us on how it’s done.
The Velcro on trapper keepers get wore out,
Goddess Intellect
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Oh you know I can go in on this.
“I strongly feel that until there is a wedding band on my finger, two names on my phone bill and bank account my partner is not privy to shit.”
Exactly. At times I think people just like “playing house” and sharing things there is no real need to be sharing.Don’t get me wrong if I’m online my partner will know and there won’t be anything hidden but all that checking my mail and emails is dead. I don’t play with that at all.
And I won’t even get in the bank account thing. Like you really think we playing mommy and daddy right now.Kill that ASAP. I may give you my bank account # if I need you to make a deposit for me but that’s it.
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goddessintellect Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Damn there was a vlog my girl shared on Fb that talked about playing house…it was powerful! It was called “If you’re not married, you’re single”…I’ll find it later and link it…but that basically ties into your comment wonderfully!!
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Nightfall Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Yeah I know the vid you’re taking about. It’s true. Even the terminology people use today. What was once a boyfriend lil girls now call their Hubby/Husband. Yet the divorce rates are sky high.
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goddessintellect Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
The link to the vid: If you’re not married, you’re single
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7BENaDDZlw
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Ms. Nikks Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Um since you seem to have a lot of fans I have a concept for you! *Giggle*
A new show. For The Chance of A Real Shot of Love With The Bachelor Nightfall? *I’m creative!*
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Nightfall Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
So silly.
I’d do that just to find out if any of the girls “Smashed the homie!”
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I’m married and I still don’t do the bank account thing. Maybe I have issues but I like a fair degree of independence. People can say what they want but Mrs. Jamal and I have been together for ten years and married for four and I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had a argument over money or anything else. That ride or die chick needs to write a book on this very subject. I’m not saying that she or we are perfect…we’re far from it. But we have an understanding that’s based around mutual respect, trust and even privacy. We have definitely thrown out the rule book…you know the one that people follow which leads to the 50% divorce rate in America. Damn, I feel the start of a new blog post coming on.
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goddessintellect Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Preach BRUH, and make sure to link the post when you’re done!!!
The Jamals…model couple for the millenium?? I’ll be waiting 4 the book to drop
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Men always say if you go searching then you’re bound to find something! WHY SHOULD THERE BE SOMETHING? Yes women and men have their feelings/intuition that something is wrong or off, but we are creatures who need proof, so you look and you find it, you find it because it’s there!
Giving out the password to your man/woman is like the new “We’re going steady!”
If you like me check yes or no. If yes insert facebook password here!
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goddessintellect Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Sis,I understand where you’re coming from. From what you wrote, the sharing of that personal info means that the relationship is taken to a higher level, kinda like eating off each other’s plates at a restaurant or sharing bodily secretions…
But question, does having this info guarentee that the relationship is secure? How much more so than a relationship where this particular info is not shared?
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Ms. Nikks Reply:
November 17th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Nothing is secure. A RING isn’t even secure. Just one of those things we have to adapt to in this new culture and environment, where social networking is norm!
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Nightfall Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I would only look if I felt something was wrong.Which I did once before……and I was right.
goddessintellect Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
vlog por favor?
it’s difficult for me to chime in on this, considering the following:
a) I’m not attached and haven’t been for almost half of this decade
b) I could care less what other people do, as long as it doesn’t interfere with me or what I do
c) I know for a fact that 99% of all women are insecure, not just with their significant others but even when it comes to themselves and their own privacy issues
d) I’m not interested all that much in sharing my living space with any female, or giving access to them to snoop around in my personal affairs… even down to my phone and other personal devices
I’m one of those people who has lived a very secluded and isolated life. Any time a female has tried to cross those boundaries and enter my private space, it has caused problems. I’m quick to snap on someone who can’t just admit they have curiosities, insecurities, and the likes. If you want or need something from my phone, ask. This doesn’t just go for relationships, I’m talking anybody. Slick attempts to be cute about it, or discreet… or sneaky, will only enhance the negative tone in my reaction. More relationships have probably went sour due to this very type of insecurity, than for any reason other than infidelity. I think as this subject pertains to me… it highlights a very important thing: women like to have control, even if they don’t need it, or deserve it for that matter. They want to dictate what a man has (or doesn’t have) access too. Which is why as far as bank accounts, car notes, and all that other stuff… I’ll worry about mine and whomever that other person is can worry about theirs. It makes for sticky situations if things don’t work out, and you’ve got joint accounts etc. to deal with… bills in each others names, it’s just not worth it from my perspective (that of a single dude who really doesn’t give a damn about anybody right now but his own damn self)
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goddessintellect Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 6:35 am
#1:
“Slick attempts to be cute about it, or discreet… or sneaky, will only enhance the negative tone in my reaction. More relationships have probably went sour due to this very type of insecurity, than for any reason other than infidelity.”
I hope ladies pay attention to this. Negative action creates negative reaction…karma son! (yea i used son)
#2:
“I know for a fact that 99% of all women are insecure, not just with their significant others but even when it comes to themselves and their own privacy issues”
I would say the same about men…we are all insecure about something. Some of us have the ability to conceal our insecurities better than others.
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I missed the topic of passwords… that is a hell-naw and always will be. married or not. it’s called a password for a reason…
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It is human nature to be insecure, yes.
How you deal with security/privacy etc. is the main difference. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man in public talking on his cell phone with his hand covering his mouth, so that you can’t read his lips. I have however, seen many women do this. It’s disturbing. It begs the question, do they not realize that even though I can’t read your lips… I can still HEAR what you’re saying?
Men also do not have the same level of insecurity when it comes to trust issues. We either tell you because we trust you, or we don’t tell you… because we don’t. You don’t normally hear a guy saying “Can I trust you with this? Please, promise you won’t tell”… that’s far more of a woman thing. A lot of women don’t even trust their own mothers.
I think men are a bit smarter about it, we generally don’t trust anyone including ourselves. this way we function a lot easier. There’s less chance of getting caught slippin. Women on the other hand have a pseudo ‘trust hierarchy’… with all these messed up categories. They think that if they’ve read someone long enough, and got them figured out… that they can trust them with certain things. “I only tell such and such to my bestie”… yeah, like that same chick won’t be the one to stab you in the back and air you the F out when shit hits the proverbial fan.
There’s a reason men don’t have besties! I do things the Jay-Z way… there are no friends in business, no friends in family, and no friends in pleasure.
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When you look for things, you often find stuff that you really don’t want to know about. Unless we are married i don’t have to share anything. Yes communication is key, but hell so is trust. Also we are human we all flirt male or female, it may be healthy for your relationship.
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I have worked in the medical field for 10 years now, and I am always quick to remind people that on a medical form they ask you, “ARE YOU MARRIED, DIVORCED, OR SINGLE…” There is no “boyfriend/girlfriend” option. I do not condone the invasion of privacy that all people at one point or another have contributed to. I honestly agree with you on the “…2 names on my phone bill..” thing. Even when we marry, we do not agree to give up all our individual rights, we only promise to upkeep the vow of monogamy, the vow of trust, and fidelity.
Please be conscious that there are people married to people for 25 years, and still only know what that person wants them to know about them. You have to decide what you want and what you are willing to do for it. If you want a relationship, a long-lasting healthy relationship, then you must put your mind to it and stand strong. We are all human and the flesh is weak, we all make mistakes, but its the type of mistakes we make that determine how someone else will treat us. Example, there is a difference between making a mistake that effects only you and making a mistake that impacts upon someone else. We all want that unconditional love, but i am slowly realizing that love is conditional!!!! I LOVE YOU/ LOVED YOU BASED ON THE PERSON I THINK/THOUGHT YOU ARE/WERE!!! Once that image is tainted, so is the love..but then again I’m a tough cookie….
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