I remember having this intense need to have the upper hand in every relationship I was in with a man. I had to be the one to break it off, I had to be the one to find out “where this was going”
even though I already knew, and I suffered an emotional stroke if he was nice to me. Too nice? After awhile I just had lovers to be a lover and get love. I had no idea that I was capable of putting my heart on auto pilot in order to get more out of my love life. To sum it all up, my need for control combined with the need to avoid heart break killed my ability to give and receive love.
I came across a tweet by Relationship Expert & fellow Hello Beautiful contributor Steve James Dixon. I love his stuff because he understands the plight of both men and women. He has very traditional values yet can relate to the new millennium dater’s challenges. Yesterday on Twitter I retweeted this:
It opened up a discussion on courtship amongst the Twitter Fam. Some of us felt that courtship was no longer valid in the life of a new millennium dater, some of us felt differently. I posed questions to the Twitter Fam on courting (your cue to follow @goddess_I on Twitter) specifically men as they are traditionally expected to do the courting. I also posted on Facebook and I got quite interesting responses- Thank you men!
In short, they were more than willing to court when and if they had the opportunity to. Courting goes both ways, he can court but she needs to be open to receive this treatment. With sex being as easy to get as running water from the tap, most men are reluctant to put in any extra effort. Why? Because there is simply no demand for it.
Last year I wrote about courtship still being alive and well in the new millennium. I defined it and compared traditional practices to today’s dating jungle. I wrote from the point of view of a woman who had always loved being pursued. Later on that same year I found myself being the one to pursue, however I considered it to be a desperate pursuit, one to keep the reunion of an ex a union. Nevertheless it crumbled and I was forced to rethink my whole stance on the love and relationships in general.
I’m a traditional girl wearing a new millennium facade, I think a handful of us can relate to that feeling. I happen to agree with Mr. Dixon on this one, “You are a woman, you are to be courted”. I believe that I’m a woman of substance and value who has the openness to give and receive love. Now, the me who wanted to control and have the upper hand so that her heart wouldn’t be broken, she would NEVER allow anyone to court her, for that would be, “corny” or “suspicious”. I recognize that I was not ready. I also recognize that some of us were not shown that it’s ok to let them (men) come to us and continually come to us only in a respectful and honorable way and it’s also fine to walk away when we are no longer happy.
I’ve had to handle my living expenses, rent, bills, you name it since I was fresh out of highschool (not by choice) and so naturally it made sense to have the upper hand in relationships. It was not until I decided to take control in other parts of my life, mainly career and finances, that my need for control in my love life subsided.
I now allow myself to be helped, courted and cared for at all times and will not tolerate anything less. I am clear about what behaviors I love and behaviors that could stand to be improved. I am not afraid to lose a lover or scare him away because I’ve allowed myself to be pursued and sought after. Remember, actions always speak louder than words baby!
Hang up your work clothes when it comes to your love life, however if love is a job then you are the employer. Begin to trust, begin to get clear about the type of relationship you want. Leave poor situations and know that you’re doing this so you can make room for better. Make room for someone to enter your life who is supportive, not threatened by your voracious and bursting personality, and loves to love you because there are no walls keeping him out.
If you have a tough time picturing what that looks like then I would love to help you upgrade your love life for 2013. My famous 8-week Relationship Vision Group Workshop has been REVAMPED and will start up again in mid-January. Each week we challenge ourselves by learning about topics that will empower, release and help us grow. Group discussions are online & confidential.