While dissecting my fear of commitment I noticed that my generosity mechanism within was slightly defunct. In a relationship I was so willing to sacrifice time and energy for a person but I had not sacrificed time and energy to work on the things in my life that needed improving. Stagnant, I would do anything to put a smile on a man’s face but they were always unable to reciprocate on the level I was giving. I was so resentful, bitter and angry. So angry. I came to the realization that my potential to give love and give of myself was powerful but not being utilized efficiently.
It’s not that relationships don’t take an amount of sacrifice, time and energy, but its bananas to put your all into something when there is no kick back, or even better a foundation.
It’s almost as if when I was giving what I thought was love I was giving for selfish reasons. I thought that if I give all this time, attention and things to someone they will surely give it back and then you know the rest *enters Walt Disney and all them silly ass characters*.
When I changed this method of thinking my entire perception on relationships changed.
I had to put the Disney world fantasy candy land thinking into the ground. When you give love, you cannot always expect something in return with pretty packaging with curly ribbon. I don’t believe we are supposed to enter into relationships with a list of expectations and obligations hanging over our heads. That shit can cause you to kill one another. I’ve learned that the best way to enter into any relationship, romantic or not is with a sound heart and curiosity about the other person.
The previous parts of this series discussed self; this part focuses on stepping outside of self. When you trust your heart, are current in your thinking, selflessness automatically comes into play. When your foundation as an individual is solid, you are in a better position to build with another.
When I ran into him while at dinner with my guy friend, he was at the table with another woman. I recognized her from a store I frequented, but gave her a glance of 0.4 milliseconds. I quickly said hi, hoping that he hadn’t noticed that I was with dinner with someone else…chile, he noticed.
After barley eating and attempting to get drunk with my friend, I grew a pair, messaged him and invited THEM over to eat with us. THEY had already left. I was sober, very sober.
Although we had regular electronic communication that was the first time we had seen each other in months. My heart ached and I know his did on some level too. To this day we both swear these people we were with were friends, although it shouldn’t matter. What mattered most in this situation was that this was the first time we both saw each other with other people. It was almost as if the universe was kicking us both in the ass, but for what? Maybe we were meant to be very good friends.
This event changed would start a spiral of the most unpredictable and frustrating chain of events.
To be continued…I had to, I’m over 500 words already!