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One thing I’ve noticed while being a young single woman is that I often get a very clear eagle eye view of different types of relationships. Many criticise the so called narcissistic view of the lonely spinsteresque relationship “expert” but she is in fact key to unlocking a lot of unanswered questions because she is in constant archeologist mode. She’s in the childlike state of romantic relationships, so she is constantly exploring-it’s exciting.
I remember last summer I was on the bus having a conversation with one of my love’s best friends and being a natural journalist/detective I began to develop my mental profile of him. See we had all grown up together but are a year apart in age and went to different high schools, so although we lived in the same neighborhood for years, I did not know a damn thing about him.
He divulged details about wanting to see his son and how his baby mother was not too keen on that. Son, I think he was close to tears, but manly tears of course *pumps her chest*
He talked a lot about his love for his construction-related job and how risky it was when he had to work at high altitudes but he kept coming back to wanting to see his son.
It obvious that there had been some tension or domestic foolery that kept his son’s mother from wanting the child to spend QT with his father, but we never got that far.
I know there are some rotten things that happen between parents who may not have been ready to start a family, infidelity, involvement with illegal activities, domestic violence, squandering of funds, manipulation or abandonment. I understand all of that believe me, but I have such a difficult time understanding why anyone would be selfish enough to let this hinder to the development of their child.
A child can sense tension, a child knows when one parent is missing in action, to me and I can tell you from experience a child is not better off or safe because you keep them from knowing or severely restrict them from spending time with the other parent….yet there are many of us who do this.
I was resentful of my mother for the longest time because she purposely kept me away from knowing my father’s side of the family. Of course that didn’t hold up for very long as they pushed through but it hurt. No family is perfect, no parent is perfect, but I don’t believe that shielding a child from the truth will make reality disappear.
I think children of single-parent families need to know why their other parent is missing in the most non-judgemental and compassionate way possible. I think there needs to be open dialogue about single parents concerns about them spending time with the other parent and/or their side of the family (because it’s VALID). Most importantly I think that as much as we want to protect our children, we also need to teach them how to deal with difficult situations, so that they do not repeat patterns and develop strong backbones.
This is coming from a former full-time caregiver, a proud doggy mommy and future parent who loves children and I don’t give a damn if I’m not qualified to speak on this topic!
I want to hear from everyone:
Parents: How do you feel about family members (or other parent) who do not live the type of lifestyle you approve of? Do you keep them away from your children? Are you supervising the interaction?
Everyone: Do you think its justifiable to keep a child from a deadbeat dad or mom? Why or why not?
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Its funny you should ask this, some of my friends get so frustrated with me when it comes to my mini’s dad. He shows up when he is good and ready…and they tell me, I shouldn’t allow him to come in and out of her life.
I simply tell them, that denying him acess to her will only add to his stupidity. it will give him fuel to say, “I’m not there for my child because her mom won’t let me spend time with her.” Nah buddy you won’t get that off.
I guess it depends on the situation…like if they are a drug addict I can see a parent cutting ties with the child until the other parent is fit.
Great post & question.
Just to make certain, we are addressing deadbeat/absent parents only, right? If not then for the sake of my argument I am, as I know there is a huge difference between deadbeat parents and non-custodial parents.
While I am not currently a biological parent I did grow up in a single parent household and my dad was a deadbeat. My dad was so bad that he would even date women with children and take care of them but wouldn’t even call me to say hello. My mom had another child 15 ½ years later and my sister’s dad was a deadbeat as well. In all of their time spent away from us it was never because my mom kept us from them; it was solely because they decided (for whatever reason) not to care for us. My mom gave them every opportunity to be involved but they weren’t. She also (foolishly in my eyes) never filed for child support from my father as she felt she shouldn’t have to force him to care for me. My mother did file with my sister’s dad but has yet to receive a penny from him (my sister is now 13 ½). There were multiple occasions when they would make plans to interact with us and they wouldn’t show up for days, months, and years at a time. I sometimes feel that maybe we both would have benefitted from my mom just restricting their ability to even make those half ass plans in the first place, but as a parent my mom felt that they had every right to have access to us and that it was their loss if they didn’t want to interact.
As a parent I know that my mother hated seeing that disappointment in our faces; that longing gaze my sister and I both shared at separate times, for different men. That happy little girl all dresses and ready to go, bag packed and favorite toy in hand, overflowing with excitement at the thought of seeing daddy again. Hours pass and you just stop responding to every phone call, every car door slamming or horn honking because you already know that he is never going to show up. You instead try and hide yourself from mommy’s eyes as she tries to watch your reaction. You fight back those hot tears of shame from falling for daddy’s promises over and over again until one day you are numb (or at the very least you pretend) to the idea of him. For that reason I sometimes feel personally that it is okay to keep a child from a deadbeat parent; to protect them from the hurt and disappointment that the other parent forces upon the child.
There are other reasons I feel that a parent needs to separate a child from their parent, such as illegal activity and any type of violent behavior that has taken place in front of the child (which by some laws makes the child a victim). Allowing your child in that person’s presence could end up harming the child more than keeping them away. On the other hand you keeping the child away can also be detrimental to the child as they aren’t old enough to understand that the forced separation (on the non-deadbeat parent’s end) is for their protection. Each parent has to make the determination based on their actual circumstances. It is NEVER acceptable to keep a child from their parent because you are upset that it didn’t work out or because you are jealous of their current mate. However, if their current mate poses a legitimate threat to your child’s safety and well being then by all means restrict visitation/interaction until the other parent understands that they need to protect their child at all cost. For the most part if the other parent is truly a deadbeat all of this won’t really come into play as they probably won’t acknowledge the child in the first place.
Totally agree!
Such a hard topic to discuss. If we’re not talking about illegal acitvity, or conditions that would render the other parent useless and untrust worthy (drugs or drinking), then I am at a total standstill about allowing access.
I guess I would supervise the interaction until I was comfortable (and I don’t know how long that would take). I think the worse kind of damage would be would to try and keep the child away from their other parent, as you mentioned, it only causes resentment in the child towards the “protecting” parent.
At some point children are going to have to form their own opinions about parents, good or bad. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that opinion. With that being said, its not cool to posion the child with our stories about the other adult.
My father didn’t do a thing for my brother and i growing up no money, no phone calls, no visits. Not one time in all my life have i heard her bad mouth him. When i turned 21 and i said i was ready to talk to him. She tracked him down and gave him my number. Even though he decided to walk away, she never said openly that he would not let him have a part in our life. With that being said for your kids sake, keep face and let them make their own choice. Unless that parent was doing something that can cause them harm. Even then they dont need to know that, that is something they need to figure when they get older own their own.
LuvJones423 = on point!
I don’t really believe in letting a dead be inconsistent. That is damaging too. I won’t tell you no, but I will set up rules. Ruler number 1: Be consistent. If you are not ready, then do not start. Because at that point, I feel I can limit your interaction. There is nothing worst that a child getting excited by an occasional call or random gift, to have it all just stop. Dead beat might as well stay away. I think he/she would be doing more harm.
I would never just not allow a man to see his child, for my own selfish reasons though. If it effects the kids negatively, as a parent, I need to protect them. But, if they come around and not send a dollar, I am going to still allow the visit. That visit is for my child, not for me.