Amidst a sea of online protest against SOPA, sofas and soup, I came across a post Nightfall shared on his Facebook profile called, “I Want A Baby..But Not A Husband”. Now admittedly I judged from the title, I mean how could I not?! Watching a mentally ill mother struggle to raise her daughters off of disability checks, watching single parent friends and family (male and female) struggle just to keep their dreams alive while keeping smiles on their children’s faces, and watching post-partum overtake the most active final trimester mother I’ve ever seen leaving her no choice but to surrender her baby to a stranger.
I felt numb. It took me a few moments to actually go ahead and read the entire post. I kept in mind while reading that no matter what I went through in my past, the writer has her unique set of experiences and as adult is allowed to make her own decisions.
Then I got closer to the bottom and searched for any evidence of the words, nurture or emotions, or anything that hinted at the sign that an emotional bond or life lessons would be shared with this preconceived child and sadly I saw none.
I’m always OD on the emotional quotient in my posts and I apologize to no one about it. I was made out of an emotional connection, I continue to create emotional connections and besides water and all the other metaphysical stuff a human is comprised of, emotions is a huge chunk of what makes us flow rhythmically with nature.
Anywho, back to the article.
The author is a financially stable, intelligent and well-travelled young lady and dammit this post was very well written. Her thoughts on increasing single parent statistic in black community?
“I am aware that over 70% of Black children are born to unwed parents, and have a pretty good grasp of the staggering statistics associated with such households. But, I am not poor. I am educated, and I am a grown ass woman, which sets my child up for a pretty damn awesome life comparatively.”
I don’t know about you, but when I look back on my childhood, especially in more prosperous times I vaguely remember the “things” I had, but I always remembered who was there, how I felt and the lessons I was taught with how to deal with life.
Now that a few of my friends are now starting families of their own I see that every single minute of their day is completely and utterly selfless. You have to be selfless in order to connect to your child. Without forming a bond, the child will not take to your milk (if breastfeeding), listen to your direction or most of all respect you. That connection trumps any cute baby designer outfit in the world, it really does.
I know how it feels to have that baby bug hoover over your body clock like a dark cloud. My heart melts a million times when I see, round and firm baby bumps, beautiful newborns and giggly toddlers, however I also know that the feeling is triggered by my innate maternal nature. This is energy that can be converted into other outlets because its that special…pets, volunteer work, babysitting, creating a new business etc.
The author, a recent divorcee, stated that she did not want to work on both a marriage and baby simultaneously and is comfortable with a “committed father”.
I feel like I’ve been put to sleep in the 1950’s, frozen and awoken to a 2012 hell. Why is our generation so disgusted with marriage? You fail once so it’s time to put your heart into storage? What happens when your child tells you “No!” for the first time?
This fast food life is not for me. I know I have the opportunity to customize my life but we have certain traditions for a reason. Two parents do more good than hinder. I am committed to creating a family with a king. I say this despite all the bull I’ve been through with men. I would never dream of stunting my future children’s happiness by choosing a father who is not committed to me and all my quirks let alone one that is hand-picked based on aesthetics.
I wish the author well but I hope she considers spending a day or two with a new mother to get the gist of what being a lifelong caregiver is all about.
Do you agree with the position of the author? Why or why not?
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thank you for dedicating a whole article about me. Appreciate your time and thoughtfulness, and will respectfully agree to disagree with you. The plug is however greatly appreciated.
“I feel like I’ve been put to sleep in the 1950’s, frozen and awoken to a 2012 hell. Why is our generation so disgusted with marriage? You fail once so it’s time to put your heart into storage?”
My sentiments exactly. I too was raised in a two parent home, and will not bring a child into this world without a marital partner to share that life with and form as family as I believe God intended it to be. I cannot comprehend the selfishness it takes to of your own volition become a purposefully single parent. The other writer being ok with a “committed father”, is in my opinion laughable. A man who is willing to be a sperm donor does not a commitment make.
I often think about an episode of the program Beyond Scared Straight, which of you are nfamiliar, is a show about at risk youth and juvenile offenders participating in intervention programs which are designed to let them see the harsh realities of life behind bars and “scare them straight”. In one episode there is featured a young black male, who sells drugs and is an aspiring gang banger. The recurring theme of his reasoning in his actions is that “the streets teach him how to be a man.” He repeatedly states that he is being raised by a single mother and that all the adults in his life are female. His most heart-wrenching statement- “a woman can’t teach a boy how to be a man, so I’m learning what I can from the streets.” Here is a child aching for a father, a same sex role model with which he can share a bond. Having volunteered many hours with at risk youth in my college years, the theme was clear- the most violent and unrepentant offenders were those who were living with a single mother.
I understand that one may become a single parent after the conception or birth of a child for many reasons, but I will never understand intentionally bringing a child into the world of a single parent. To do so breeds a cycle a mistrust of in relationships and the further breakdown of the nuclear family. Furthermore, I personally am doubtful that a woman who refers to herself as “grown ass” is as educated or stable as she thinks she is. But that’s just me.
Also the article was not advocating being a single parent. I suppose folk missed the part about my wanting to have a baby with a committed father to my child, much like mine was and still is. There is no monolith way of bringing a child into this world, and my inability to want to sign a binding legal contract with a man before I have a baby is a personal choice, that may not work for others.
Agree or not, I would like to say props to you, Jayne Dirt, for speaking on such a personal and contentious topic.
We spend a lot of time stereotypically moving through our lives. We believe things that aren’t necessarily true. We also dedicate time trying to comb through tons of statistics that may or may not be contrived.
I, a single mom of 4 sons, believe that what Jayne Dirt is saying shouldn’t raise any hackles. Mperfekt is not clear that a married father does not a commitment make either. All men donate sperm to make babies. Let’s not be so boxed in. There are entirely too many single-married women in this country. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Whether or not anyone wants to admit it is often left to those hiding the fact that it’s very true and sadly very real.
The whole argument about Scared Straight is irrelevant considering who it was that wrote the article. Because she is divored, doesn’t equate to being jaded. Because her choice is to give life to and raise a child of her own doesn’t mean her child will be a statistic. We over generalize the wrong things. Bringing a child into the world AND being a well traveled, educated women, who uses the word “ASS” does not in anyway suggest that her child will be a threat to society, a whore, a gold digger, have daddy issues, or be self loathing.
No woman worth her salt has followed all the rules. That is a proven truth. Questioning her education because she used a curse word speaks more to the foolishness of passing judgement than to any point that could be made.
I am single. My boys are fantastic. Of course I’m biased….well so are their teachers, their youth group leaders, their grandparents, and their father. Being single and a parent is not a disease. It’s a reality that has existed in our country for longer than it’s been reported on the news. Silly women makes stupid decisions. Women that have been bullied or are afraid, make scared ones. Tired, run down women make hasty ones. Jayne Dirt is calm, cool, educated and collected. I can’t wait to see who pops out if she decides to do it. That baby….will be loved and probably end up running the country. So Baby Dirt….see ya when you get here.
We can just say that you being a single mother, obviously you’d be biased toward believing that that lifestyle produces exactly the same results as a traditional nuclear family and the fact that I don’t care to be a single parent and am not from a SPH means I am biased toward believing that two parents in the home are better than one. It seems you think I believe that because a woman uses the word “ass” she has no positive attributes. What I was getting at was more that in my experience, women who use terminology like “grown ass woman” to describe themselves tend be of a certain ilk, the kind that feel the need to shout from the rooftops their savvy, their independence, their don’t need nothing and nobody, when in reality, all of those attributes whisper.
I am fully aware that there are many women who are married on paper and single in reality, I too have seen it with my own eyes. The difference in the cases I’ve seen is that these women did not set out to be single parents. Relationships change, people change, I get it. On and on and on.
The anecdote I made about SS is nowhere near being a moot point, and whether you choose to believe so or not, it is statistically proven that children from homes with two parents present tend to fare better in life. Some of that has to do with the sentiments and emotions like that of the young man in SS and some has to do with the fact that yes, Virginia, society does look upon children who come from single parent homes in a different (and typically negative) way and often treats them differently. This is especially true of single parents and children of color. I have worked on research studies which explore the correlation between single parents (or dominant caregivers if you will) and children of those circumstances vs those of children from multi-parent families. Particularly those in the AA community.
Everything I have stated is from my worldview and based on my experiences and perceptions.Because someone perceives life differently than you does not mean they think inside a box. If a woman wants to be a single mother, then obviously that is what she will do, but to believe that single parent vs two parent upbringings are exactly the same is imo ludicrous. Perhaps we should take a look at re-defining the term single parent. Maybe you should begin to refer to yourself as a co-parent or something of the like, thereby indicating that you are not singly responsible for the upbringing of your children. Bet if you did, it would catch on.
“I would never dream of stunting my future children’s happiness by choosing a father who is not committed to me…”
You can be married and he’s supposedly committed on paper but not in his mind and/or heart. Being married doesn’t mean your child will 100% grow up happy either. I’ve seen miserable men and women who grew up with two parents and I’ve seen happy people who grew up with a single parent. Life is a game of chance, there’s no guarantee how anyone will turn out. You just give it your best shot.
The writer of the article has been married before, maybe she knows what she wants and what works for her. I know people who’ve been married for 40+ years and are so happy when they’re spouse is working out of town. A lot of them would split if it weren’t for their kids, kids who they aren’t fooling.
As long as this lady has a good job, benefits, savings, a lot of love in her heart, a support system, doesn’t drink and/or abuse drugs during or after her pregnancy, blessings to her and her future babies.